No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
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*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.