three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
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me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
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In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.