Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
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[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas