I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
My uncle was a world-famous chainsaw juggler. For one show.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.