@TylerLinkin

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

@TylerLinkin

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

@TylerLinkin

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

@TylerLinkin

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

@TylerLinkin

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

@TylerLinkin

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

@TylerLinkin

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

@TylerLinkin

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.