I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
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What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Employees must applaud the planets.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.