They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
WHO DID THIS?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?