The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
You Might Also Like
Somebody call the cops.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later