Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
God has left this place
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.