“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.