[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
You Might Also Like
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries