Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of UnFitz's best tweets

@UnFitz : [blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

@UnFitz: A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

@UnFitz: If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

@UnFitz: Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

@UnFitz: Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

@UnFitz: Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is "reserved cowgirl."

@UnFitz: Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

@UnFitz: "Did you just elect a pope in there?" he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

@UnFitz: Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

@UnFitz: Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that's it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

- cats