Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of UnFitz's best tweets

@UnFitz : If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

@UnFitz: Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

@UnFitz: Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

@UnFitz: Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is "reserved cowgirl."

@UnFitz: Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

@UnFitz: "Did you just elect a pope in there?" he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

@UnFitz: Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

@UnFitz: Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that's it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

- cats

@UnFitz: [dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw....paw...

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

@UnFitz: Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.