Guy: Only God can judge me.
God: Actually I made judges, too. It’s called subcontracting, look it up.
Her: The restaurant’s within walking distance.
Me: So…it’s somewhere in this living room?
My bank’s collections department is particularly aggressive.
In retrospect, the name “Chase” may have been a red flag.
Me: What are you into?
Her: Well…I enjoy toys…
Me: *wrestling away dog’s chew toy*
Rex, gimme a break! I don’t know why she wants this thing but I’m sure she won’t break the squeaker.
You’ll never meet anyone else like me and please stop celebrating, that’s not very nice
“No Country For Old Men” is just a film about my musical preferences.
Her: You never ask me about my day.
Me: *rolls eyes* It’s not YOUR day, Brenda, it belongs to all of us.
Hey, mister tambourine man
Play a song for me
But learn another instrument first
‘Cause an entire song on a tambourine
Would be monotonous.
The only essential oil in my life can be found inside of a deep fryer.
gruesome if literal:
a coat of arms