@UnFitz

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

@UnFitz

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

@UnFitz

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

@UnFitz

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

@UnFitz

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

@UnFitz

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

@UnFitz

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

@UnFitz

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

@UnFitz

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

@UnFitz

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect