@UnFitz

Guy: Only God can judge me.

God: Actually I made judges, too. It’s called subcontracting, look it up.

@UnFitz

Her: The restaurant’s within walking distance.

Me: So…it’s somewhere in this living room?

@UnFitz

My bank’s collections department is particularly aggressive.

In retrospect, the name “Chase” may have been a red flag.

@UnFitz

[first date]
Me: What are you into?
Her: Well…I enjoy toys…

[later]
Me: *wrestling away dog’s chew toy*
Rex, gimme a break! I don’t know why she wants this thing but I’m sure she won’t break the squeaker.

@UnFitz

You’ll never meet anyone else like me and please stop celebrating, that’s not very nice

@UnFitz

“No Country For Old Men” is just a film about my musical preferences.

@UnFitz

Her: You never ask me about my day.

Me: *rolls eyes* It’s not YOUR day, Brenda, it belongs to all of us.

@UnFitz

Hey, mister tambourine man
Play a song for me
But learn another instrument first
‘Cause an entire song on a tambourine
Would be monotonous.

@UnFitz

The only essential oil in my life can be found inside of a deep fryer.