Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@UnFitz : I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
@UnFitz: Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
@UnFitz: Me: Waiter, there's a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I'll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
@UnFitz: Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
@UnFitz: “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
@UnFitz: Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
@UnFitz: horrifying if literal: the electric slide
@UnFitz: Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
@UnFitz: "We've got all the time in the world" said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
@UnFitz: [at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*