Funny Tweeter

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Page of UnFitz's best tweets

@UnFitz : I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

@UnFitz: Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

@UnFitz: Me: Waiter, there's a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I'll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

@UnFitz: Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

@UnFitz: “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

@UnFitz: Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

@UnFitz: horrifying if literal: the electric slide

@UnFitz: Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

@UnFitz: "We've got all the time in the world" said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

@UnFitz: [at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*