Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of UnFitz's best tweets

@UnFitz : [first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

@UnFitz: Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?

Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.

Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.

Me: [a joint in each hand] Oh, how embarrassing.

@UnFitz: [first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: ... book?

@UnFitz: I remember when things only cost an arm.

@UnFitz: A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

@UnFitz: You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

@UnFitz: [blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

@UnFitz: *pronounces “naked” like “baked”

@UnFitz: Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I'd like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

@UnFitz: Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?


Me: *sips flask*