Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@UnFitz : If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
@UnFitz: Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
@UnFitz: Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
@UnFitz: Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is "reserved cowgirl."
@UnFitz: Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
@UnFitz: "Did you just elect a pope in there?" he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
@UnFitz: Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
@UnFitz: Pet me.
Yeah, that's it.
No, not there. *opens your vein*
@UnFitz: [dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw....paw...
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
@UnFitz: Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.