@UnFitz

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

@UnFitz

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

@UnFitz

I’ve learned from my mistakes. I make bigger and better mistakes than ever now.

@UnFitz

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

@UnFitz

Congratulations on your gold medal in the conclusion jump.

@UnFitz

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

@UnFitz

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

@UnFitz

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

@UnFitz

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*