@UnFitz

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

@UnFitz

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

@UnFitz

God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.

Jesus: Thank you, father.

God: There shall be a bunny.

Jesus:

God: And chocolate eggs.

Jesus: But-

God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.

@UnFitz

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

@UnFitz

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

@UnFitz

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

@UnFitz

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

@UnFitz

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

@UnFitz

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

@UnFitz

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.