Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.
Jesus: Thank you, father.
God: There shall be a bunny.
God: And chocolate eggs.
God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*
“Please continue to hold…”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.