Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of UnFitz's best tweets

@UnFitz : You're like a semicolon. I'm not sure exactly what to do with you.

@UnFitz: Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

@UnFitz: Fact: A childless person coined the phrase "Sleep like a baby."

@UnFitz: "The Godfather" teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

@UnFitz: [speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let's get married.

@UnFitz: Her: For once I'd like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

@UnFitz: "You're just not my cup of tea" I say to someone else's cup of tea.

@UnFitz: 17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

@UnFitz: Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

@UnFitz: Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.