1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
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I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Need this in my life lol
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.