@UnFitz

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

@UnFitz

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

@UnFitz

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

@UnFitz

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

@UnFitz

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

@UnFitz

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

@UnFitz

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

@UnFitz

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.