*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
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Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl