“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
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if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.