Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?