What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp