Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.