Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Me: *sips flask*
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”
Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)