@UnFitz

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

@UnFitz

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

@UnFitz

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

@UnFitz

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

@UnFitz

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

@UnFitz

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

@UnFitz

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

@UnFitz

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

@UnFitz

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

@UnFitz

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)