There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.