You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded