My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
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Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I鈥檝e never seen a baby work on a car.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Y鈥檃ll know who you are.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn鈥檛 feel right
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 馃ゲ.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: what鈥檚 your job
Them: I鈥檓 a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I鈥檓 stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I鈥檓 going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro