6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Kinda bored. Maybe I’ll write a coloring book.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
M: I can’t do that.