Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
M: I can’t do that.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Her: I don’t recognize you’re accent.
Me: *swallows* It’s donut.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.