@UncleBob56

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

@UncleBob56

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

@UncleBob56

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

@UncleBob56

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

@UncleBob56

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

@UncleBob56

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

@UncleBob56

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

@UncleBob56

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

@UncleBob56

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.