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Page of UncleBob56's best tweets

@UncleBob56 : Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

@UncleBob56: Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can't do that.

@UncleBob56: Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He's been drinking.

@UncleBob56: Her: I don't recognize you're accent.

Me: *swallows* It's donut.

@UncleBob56: I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

@UncleBob56: Wife: What's your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she'd taught you how to cook.

@UncleBob56: Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

@UncleBob56: Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you're heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

@UncleBob56: [answering machine]
"Hi Mom, leave a message"

@UncleBob56: Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.