Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.