It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.