Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.