If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.