The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
That was easy.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!