Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of UncleDuke1969's best tweets

@UncleDuke1969 : “I'd like to get a trim.”
“There's a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It's-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

@UncleDuke1969: I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

@UncleDuke1969: "Where were you?"
"Working late."
"Do you think I'm stupid?"
"Don't be paranoid, Loretta."
"Paranoid? Paranoid?!?"
"Just calm d-"
"GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN."

@UncleDuke1969: SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

@UncleDuke1969: “But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

@UncleDuke1969: Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

@UncleDuke1969: Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

@UncleDuke1969: It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

@UncleDuke1969: Son: What's for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.