when the buffet is more honest than your date
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
operators are standing by to ignore your call
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
it must be school picture day
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
