[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
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One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Every damn time
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?