I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”