@UniqueDude2

Angry Birds? Hmmph. In my day we had real entertainment. For instance, have you seen the classic film “The Birds?” It’s about Angry Birds.

@UniqueDude2

me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name

@UniqueDude2

Teens: I was an idiot when I was a kid
20s: I was an idiot when I was a teen
30s: I was an idiot in my 20s
33: if only there was a pattern

@UniqueDude2

[dinosaur naming committee]
TERRY: and we will call the flying one the Terodactyl
PTERRY: I’ve got a crazy idea

@UniqueDude2

ME: fine, judge me. judge me for loving too much, for caring too much-
JUDGE: you’re on trial for murder
ME: for murdering too much

@UniqueDude2

if you get killed while you have to pee your ghost will have to pee but it can’t

@UniqueDude2

ME: WOW! Bigfoot!
BIGFOOT: Hey Smallfoot
M: U call us Smallfoot?
BF: U have small feet
M: no, urs r big
BF: mine r normal
M: huh
BF: see ya

@UniqueDude2

[Meeting girlfriend’s parents]
Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks!
<Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>

@UniqueDude2

WAITER: Your honor, when I said “enjoy your meal” he said “you too”
ME: it was a mistake
JUDGE: he gets half your meal
W: thanks
J: you too