Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
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I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left