It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
You Might Also Like
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: βId roast you, but Mom said Iβm not allowed to burn trash.β
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, theyβre starving.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply βokβ in size 45 comic sans
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Me: Thereβs a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. Heβs totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
You better watch out
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Thereβs a crying baby on every flight Iβm on and itβs always me
Funny how βIt just brokeβ was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I donβt care if itβs red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If youβve got 99 of anything, Iβm scheduling an intervention
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message