I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
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Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My dad teaching me to drive
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit