[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
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*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
*bites zombie*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My typo game is string.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.