Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
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just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.