@VaguelyFunnyDan

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

@VaguelyFunnyDan

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

@VaguelyFunnyDan

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

@VaguelyFunnyDan

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.