Sex is cool but have you ever tried folding a load of laundry and having no matchless socks leftover in the end?
Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he’s still talking about it
My son’s baseball team just had to forfeit a game for not having enough Evans and Kadens
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
My son can’t wait to be a grownup so he can “drink caffeine and say ‘shit’ all the time” so let’s never forget we’re pretty much living the dream, you guys
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Shoutout to moms leaving long birthday notes to their kids on social media when their child is both illiterate and not on social media.
My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is “cuz I’d get to sit down a lot” and I’ve never felt more related to him.
ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating
DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control
ME: ah. no.