Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of ValeeGrrl's best tweets

@ValeeGrrl : Sex is cool but have you ever tried folding a load of laundry and having no matchless socks leftover in the end?

@ValeeGrrl: Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he's still talking about it

@ValeeGrrl: My son's baseball team just had to forfeit a game for not having enough Evans and Kadens

@ValeeGrrl: I need you to fill my water bowl but I'm also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

- Dogs

@ValeeGrrl: My son can't wait to be a grownup so he can "drink caffeine and say 'shit' all the time" so let's never forget we're pretty much living the dream, you guys

@ValeeGrrl: Apparently when a couple tells you they're pregnant with their 6th kid it's not cool to yell "OMG DUDE GET OFF HER."

@ValeeGrrl: "Oh shit that sounded important," I exclaim as I vacuum and don't stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

@ValeeGrrl: Shoutout to moms leaving long birthday notes to their kids on social media when their child is both illiterate and not on social media.

@ValeeGrrl: My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is "cuz I'd get to sit down a lot" and I've never felt more related to him.

@ValeeGrrl: ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I'm ovulating

DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control

ME: ah. no.