I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
this isn’t threatening at all
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
This is the one
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles