WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible