Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
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#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.