If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.