@VerifiedDrunk

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

@VerifiedDrunk

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

@VerifiedDrunk

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

@VerifiedDrunk

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

@VerifiedDrunk

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

@VerifiedDrunk

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

@VerifiedDrunk

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

@VerifiedDrunk

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.