Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.