I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
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“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”