I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
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I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
selfie game
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”