Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.