Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.