My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
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My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story